What we believe

Deensism, Its History in this Dimension and some others, as well.

Deensism was revealed to our founder L. Elrem Deens by the ancient traveler, Asturius, during a period of solitary reflection that Deens had undertaken in the Mojave desert, in late 1947. We believe it was in late October, but could have been in the first week of November.

Elrem said that he had just drifted off to sleep one evening, when he saw himself sleeping, as though he was floating above his tent. He immediately realized that he was not alone and discovered Asturius, the ancient traveler, floating above and just to the right of him, at the sacred angle. Some had asked how there can be angles in non-dimensional space, but that is a matter of faith and one of Austurius's mysteries.

Asturius told Elrem to fear not because he had been chosen for a wonderful revelation.

Asturuis spent the next 41 days and 38 nights leading Elrem though the dimensions outside of time and space on a magic journey where they saw wonderous things, like Britney Spears cavorting with Jane Mansfield, both wearing only their bikini bottoms. Remember there was no space or time. Asturius had to take three nights off to catch up on some paperwork that he had left undone for 40,000,000 lifetimes. The master of all odd-numbered dimensions was not happy with him.

Elrem went on an other-dimensional date with the girl who, in high school, told him that she would go out with him when monkeys flew out of his butt. Anything was possible. Elrem bragged that he had his way with her, but even in other dimensions men sometimes lie about these things.

At the end of the 41 days, Asturius empowered Elrem with the ability to pass this glorious information to one other person. Elrem chose a man named Phil Knox, father of me, Stuie Knox. I passed it in turn, to Merle Sneed, who so far hasn't chosen to pass it along to anyone. Merle expects to live forever, so what's the point?

Elrem Deens founded the Sacred Order of Deensism in 1948. Until his death in 1949, from a bad fall, he and Phil Knox were the only two known practioners, at least in our dimension. Persumably there are others somewhere.

Deensists are lead by a leader known as the Head Lizard. This title is held by each adherent for one year, on a rotating basis. This year's Head Lizard is Merle Sneed, who will relinquish the role to his First-Assistant Head Lizard, me, Stuie Knox, unless he declares an Austurialan emergency, under clause 4 of the bylaws.

Unfortuately, Phil Knox was confirned to the Upper Iowa Home for the Deranged in 1967 and died in 1970, and I, Stuie Knox, slogged along alone until 1990 when I came under the care of Merle Sneed. Currently, Merle and I, Stuie Knox, are the only known members of the Sacred Order of Deensism, at least in our dimension.

The tenets of Deenism are these:

1. We can see in, they can't see out.
2. All guys have a real good shot at the really babish women in the other dimension.
3. Ugly doesn't count for squat over there.
4. We can reach in from the other dimension and move stuff to freak people out , but it is frowned upon, unless someone has messed with you bad.

--Stuie Knox 2007